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So today's post is maybe not the easiest or most fun to have to deal with but understanding the difference between these two concepts is an absolute game changer! I hope that if something you read in this message triggers you, I hope that you are able to identify why you have been triggered and start working your way backwards to the root of the issue thus beginning the first phases of your healing process. 

 

One of the most common cycles we keep ourselves in is one of victimhood. It is a word that invokes absolute disgust when mentioned. When I am talking to my clients about it, the look they give me immediately is, ‘How dare you accuse me of playing the victim?’ I am yet to have a client not concede that they have actually kinda, sorta, almost been stepping into that role once they have acknowledged the difference between responsibility and blame. The very fact that they have taken offence at MY mere suggestion of victimhood, means that they believe me to be blaming them for their circumstances.

 

These concepts become very difficult to explain to someone in the throes of a massive life crisis that involves one or more other people. If it is a situation where there is only you, well, who else could possibly be responsible for the situation? The more I work with clients going through divorces, family issues and difficult work situations, the more I have come to understand the need for clarity on responsibility and blame so here goes… Warning… some harsh truths ahead!!!

 

Let’s take a look at blame first. It is after all the emotion that keeps us trapped in victimhood. So what do I mean by this? Well, no matter what situation we end up in, we have made choices that have lead us to that point and choices that have kept us there. For a long time after my divorce I felt like a victim. The truth is, as hard as it is to admit, we both made decisions that got us to a point of no return. Trying to understand your role in your situations is absolutely key to freeing yourself from your chains. People can only do to us what we allow, I have sincerely learnt the truth in this situation. What would have happened if you had chosen not to allow the person to disrespect your boundaries at some point? What if you had stood up for yourself? Yes, being true to yourself and doing what is best for you is seldom easy but would the situation not have been different? I often get told that in divorce situations the people cannot leave because they would have nothing. This may be true to some extent, I too have learnt that again, although not easy, leaving with nothing can be done. I have seen it done a number of times. So then, if we break that down for those not wanting to leave a situation for example, they are choosing fear over freedom because they believe it to be the easier/safer option. Is it really? Is there then not an element of responsibility in making the choice to stay?

 

Holding someone else accountable for your life, situation, circumstances, emotions, living conditions or whatever it may be that you are facing is incredibly dis-empowering. Someone leaves you and you blame them for ruining your life, well did they really? They simply stepped out of a relationship that no longer served them. (Which in the long run will be for the best even though you can’t see it at the time. You don’t want to be with someone that cannot see your value!) Yes, it was hard and it hurt but you have control over how far the damage affects you. If you allow someone that is no longer in your life to have such power over you, you are playing victim and you will continue to perpetuate that cycle until you have decided that enough is enough. Until you decide that you want your power, your life and your freedom of choice back.

 

Then we have responsibility. I actually love this word. I think it gets a bad rap because of the connotation it has to adulting and paying bills but it is in truth an incredibly powerful word. A word that by its very nature is freeing. The minute we claim our choices we step out of our victimhood and straight into our personal power. (It is at this point that our Solar Plexus Chakra literally does the cha-cha!) We release ourselves from the manacles that we believe someone else has placed on us. The question one needs to ask here – if we were able to free ourselves from what we believed to be a trapping through the fault of someone else – isn’t it logical that the power was ours all along? Please understand that one needs to be careful here. It becomes all too easy to then blame ourselves for not having acted sooner, for not being more aware etc… Try and avoid blame at all costs. It really holds no value for you. Rather acknowledge that you have made this decision, acknowledge that it wasn’t the best one for you and then give gratitude for what I call the growings/teachings and learnings it brought to your life. Being kind to yourself is key here. It is probably one of the most difficult things for us to do. We seem to find it so much easier to love others than we do ourselves. Something that we all need to remedy in order to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be!  

 

Responsibility may not always be the easiest choice for us to make but it is by far always the best one to make! If you are serious about changing your life, your circumstances and your situations I urge to you look at possible cycles of victimhood. You will be surprised how easily we all fall into them.

 

In love and light always,

Mara xxx

Should you wish to do some one on one guided work with blame and responsibility – check out my Life Navigation programme! http://www.maitraya.co.za/mara-schillaci/life-navigation/