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In the past few years, having been through some of the most traumatic moments of loss in my life, I have learned a few very important lessons. Most of them would have made my life a whole lot easier had I begun my journey knowing them, but I guess that is the point! One of the lessons that changed me and as a consequence, my life profoundly, is learning that ALL the cycles in our life need to grieved/mourned.

 

Before I start I feel it pertinent to give brief explanations of what we as a society perceive to be 3 key words related to loss. In understanding what society deems the meanings to be, we can then look at what can be seen as different perspectives on them. It needs to be noted that these meanings were the first explanations that came up after a Google search simply requesting their meanings.

 

Bereavement: A period of mourning after a loss, especially the loss of a loved one. 

 

Grief: Intense sorrow, especially caused by the loss of a loved one.

 

Mourning: The public expression of sorrow for someone’s death.

 

I believe that the Native American tribes are onto something with their belief that every cycle in our lives needs to be grieved/mourned. I have learned over time that in not taking the time to acknowledge the loss of something from our space, we simply add to the emotional baggage we carry with us. Now you will notice that I have used the word EVERY cycle, this was 100% intentional. I have learned over time that in saying goodbye to what we have treasured whether it be people, spaces, dreams, hopes, wishes and even material goods that we either choose to or are forced to let go of, we release the energy of them from our space allowing ourselves space for the new.

 

Telling people our stories can be quite superficial at times. In my case I can talk about losing my marriage, my marital home – the girl I loved more than life… we see the physical aspects of those loses but what about that which is unseen? What about the dreams I had, the visions of the white picket fence with children running around the garden playing with the dogs? What about the fact that my belief system was based around the fact that her and I would see old bones together? That I had designed my life around that belief system and as such was working towards OUR future? What about the fact that the energy of the ‘stuff’ that couldn’t be seen carried far more emotional weight than the physical ‘stuff’? We all work on getting over what is plain to see but pay little or no attention to the wisps of shattered dreams and hopes left hanging. Surely that which has not yet been brought into life should be mourned/grieved too?

 

In my experience it absolutely does. If there are situations in our lives that we are trying to move on from, trying to get over and trying to recover from, we absolutely need to release the energy of the unseen from them too. For those that have lost loved ones, we do not mourn/grieve for them – we do that for ourselves. That outpouring is a heartfelt acknowledgement of what we have lost from our lives and how that has changed our lives. How we will never hear that voice again, we will never have another hug or see that smile again when we walk into a room. The feelings of loss may be related to different situations but I truly believe that there is no feeling of loss too small to be acknowledged.

 

Over the past 3 and half years, I have spent time releasing so much of what I had hoped for, so much of what I had wanted. Being a mother was something that I had wanted my whole life. As time has passed… I have had to accept and release the hope for children. Reality is that it is unlikely that it will ever happen and I chose not to be stuck in the energy of longing. I chose to free myself from it in order to make space for other energy to enter my space. It is the same as trying to reach out to grab what you are being offered but doing so with your hands full. In order for us to open up to new experiences, people, spaces we need to release the old and make space. But if we haven’t mourned and grieved ALL of a situation, there will forever be remnants left behind. I like to call those the ‘what ifs’ of the healing process. The space of ‘what if’ is a dangerous space to be in. It keeps us trapped and we all know there can be no forward movement when we are stuck in a specific space.

 

At this point I would like to discuss the words GRIEF, MOURNING and BEREAVEMENT. I struggle with the fact that these are all attached to the loss of someone (in general). I find their descriptions to be limiting and in doing so, I feel that it excludes all the other elements of our life that need to be grieved and mourned. Please understand that in no way am I undermining the loss of a loved one, or trying to say that we need to mourn the loss of a car the way we do our loved one. I do however believe that grieving something – no matter how small it may be is equally as important as grieving something that society deems to be a greater loss. I also believe that mourning does not need to be public, some of my toughest mourning cycles have been done in absolute privacy. I believe that society dictates too many rules and too much conditioning around these concepts. I believe that if you need to mourn in private, do it. It does not mean that you are cold and heartless, just as public mourning does not necessarily make you an attention seeker. I have learned that grief takes a million different shapes and forms, some of the most intense being prayers for what will never be or what has been lost. I have learned that no one person grieves and/or mourns in the same way. I have learned that grief can overtake us in the strangest of moments, usually at the most random of times no matter how much time has passed between the cause of the grief and that moment.  

 

I have learned that when somebody says that they are still grieving something that you believe would have taken you half the time to do, be kind, you are unaware of all that they have not told you they are grieving/mourning for attached to the event/person/place. I truly believe that there is just no time limit with grieving, I too believe that there are some losses in life that we never truly get OVER. However, that does not mean that we can’t fully grieve/mourn them. Time is such a tricky concept. What feels like a day to one, may feel like a year to another. I believe that bereavement will last much longer for some than others. The only warning that I have here – again personally learned – be careful that your period of bereavement does not extend so far out that it allows you to splash in the pool of victimhood. That pool is deceptively deep and notoriously difficult to get out of. To prevent that, make sure that your story changes, even if ever so slightly every time you have healed a little more. Make sure you acknowledge when something feels a little less hurtful. Those little acts of acknowledgement will act as stepping stones allowing you to cross the pool instead of having to go through it.

 

I have learned that in being able to acknowledge the energy of what you are needing to grieve/mourn is one of the most powerful acts we can perform during our healing. If there is anything in my life that I need to grieve/mourn, I work to the same formula. I recognise the energy of what it is that I am wanting to grieve/mourn, I acknowledge it. I give it thanks for what it has brought to my life – for example – my divorce – it set me free. I gave thanks for all that I had so loved about my marriage, all the joy, laughter, love. I acknowledged the lessons brought to me through my divorce – the independence, self-love, self-respect, being set on my soul path. Just to name a few. I always give thanks for what each and every situation has brought to the table for me. Even when it is something that will never be… I give thanks for the hope it gave me at the time, for the joy dreaming about it gave me and then I give thanks for the space it will make once it is gone. 

 

People often ask me how I just get over ‘stuff’ – well this is it. This is my secret. I grieve/mourn the ending of every cycle of my life. Even if it is the end of a job, I give thanks for what is gave me and for the energy it is allowing me to receive. Acknowledging the end of cycles is profoundly powerful and cathartic. It is has almost become a habit with me now, almost like a natural old energy release system that kicks in whenever it needs to.

 

I wish for you easy endings and joyful beginnings and mostly I wish for you peace.

 

In light and love always,

Mara. xxx